Quality Of Life Enhancement Device


Current Ideas

Here are the QOLEDs submitted by readers - as you can see, most of them are in rhyming couplets, although not all. If you're inspired by this, please go to the Submissions page and let us know!

from Tim Pattison of Leicestershire, England:
I used to stumble blindly up the stairs at night
My life's much better now that I've replaced the light

from B. Jason Ouellette of Manchester, New Hampshire USA:
I'd scramble home by eight
so I could catch my favorite show
Now, I can get home anytime
Thanks to my new TiVo.

from Dr Neil Brown of Leicester, UK:
Duffel coats and daylight light bulbs woo!
Winter seems a long time ago now, but about halfway through
December I remember finally got a Proper Winter Coat,
And some full spectrum lamps - wow! and Oat
Biscuits from Sainsburys
And the central heating, shangalalangalanga woo baby
Give it to me baby, pour that Radox, coz I got a Hot Machine
And living in a building! Am I running out of space yet?
My horse no longer shivering! A stunning clout hoof, Ace Vet!

I'd also like to mention rotivators,
Linux, and those
Racks that let you fit your bike to the roof of a car, Oh !
And roast potaters
And sprung bicycle saddles.
Leave your bottom less addled
So it doesn't feel as though
Bit by alligators
Or squashed by container freighters

Chop Sticks! Once you get the hang of them they are the nicest way
To eat anything even remotely far eastern, including Satay.
And they're better than forks for some things, because
You can Pick Things Up - theres no chance of them wobbling off,
Be you in Blighty or Oz.
Also jumpers made from wool. a proper wooly jumper is hard to get but so incredibly warm.
In a storm.
Should be the norm
You'll be not with less Gorm
And pressure cookers - they are ace for cooking rice in 5 minutes flat. In a flat.
All of these things are excellent, and truly fascinating.
Stop that naughty giraffe baiting.
Instead be Roast Potating

from Mark Glanville of Farnborough, UK:
A few moons ago
Many laptops and mobile phones
Would clean run out of juice
But some people used their brains
And now on Branson's Virgin trains
You can plug-in whenever you choose

from Scrambled Greggs Weiss of Hastings on Hudson, New York USA:
I wrote long letters to sis and friends from school
Then 'long came e-mail; Made me scared, but pretty cool
Now I save the stamp, envelope, and pen ink
E-mail is a QOLED -- Let's cheer and have a drink!

from Markus Auge of Palma, Majorca:
A pocket size breath analyzer - it
Tells you exactly how much you are over the limit
Last Thursday I drank five bottles of water
To make sure I could drive back home without paranoia

from Vince Hodgson of Leicester, England:
I'm not much of a guitar player
And an even worse crooner
But I can now start singing sooner
With a 15 digital guitar tuner!

from Matthew Breach of Chalfont St Giles, England:
How did I ever live without
An alarm clock I can silence with a shout?

from Steve Hewitt of London, England:
Doing lots of repetitive IT tasks used to fill me with woe
But now i save time and hassle since i worked out how to use a MACRO

from Ed Broom of Ipswich, England:
Four hooks in wood
Two holes for screws
Hang up your keys
You'll never lose
Them again

from Fran of Sheffield, England:
If the all the associated joys of
Unwrapping dusty christmas decorations weren't enough
The little plastic green hooks that allow
Baubles to be seemingly suspended your tree
With ease must be classified as a very good QOLED
Having said this, one is yet to be designed
That allows you to spin your prettiest decorations
In a childlike fashion
A gap in the market me thinks

from Mark Glanville of Farnborough, England:
the tiny red LED
On my bedroom TV
Used to keep me up at night
When shining so bright
My quality of life has been enhanced without a doubt
Since i used some bluetack to block the light out!

from Derek Hales of Charlton, England:
I used to have a problem with crispy sheets in bed
Now I have a box of tissues and mop it up instead

from Charlotte Wadsworth of London, England:
The best thing that I've ever bought - by miles
Is my digital radio - no need for complicated dials
It's gorgeous, chunky, with buttons that illuminate
Press 6 for music, 5 for chat, 4 if you want to ruminate
The model, if you're interested, is Roberts RD-6
You can see it here in a couple of clicks

from Matthew Breach of Chalfont St Giles, England:
Until I discovered the joys of a wireless router
I couldn't surf in bed with my computer

from Jim Hibbett of London, England:
I used to stare at signs far away
Without any idea what they had to say
But then I met with an optometirst
And now I can see, even when pissed!
Because he gave me a pair of glasses.

from Charlotte Wadsworth of London, England:
We used to feel a bit bad about all the QOLEDs
in our house - 'til we switched to green electricity

from The William Wagtail Appreciation Society, High Holborn, England:
There's something that brings loads of joy to my heart
But I think I'd better be honest, right from the start
This isn't really a QOLED
That's not the term you'd use, for something so free
It's a little bright yellow-tummed wagtail bird
That I sometimes see, don't think I've ever heard
It sips from the puddle, that sits on the roof
Outside my office window; I have no proof
But whenever he comes by
We all 'down tools' and happily sigh
Will you publish my QOLED bungle?
It's a bit of wildlife in the concrete jungle

from Chris Ashley of Oakland, California:
Change always jangled and dirtied my pockets
So I bought a Quikoin, it's like a money locket.
Now when changing pants the coins don't scatter,
They stay in the coin purse, much neater and nattier.

from Ray Dann of Dudley, England:
My lips used to be cracked and sore
So i bought some lip-balm for a pound, no more.

from Charlie Flowers of Essex, England:
Koka noodles mate, you get them in London
Ten minutes in a bowl, add the sachet... job done!

from Duncan Robson of London, England:
Fear of RSI's no longer making me feel sick
I got an ergonomic mouse which you hold like a joystick

from Johnny Yeah of Kooba Radio, The Interweb:
(1.30 am Friday night): I walk in drunk, and at the breadmaker I add water, flour and yeast
(11.30 am Saturday morning): The house smells great, and there's one hot loaf, on which I then will feast

from Alex Washtell of Southampton, England:
Sitting at my desk sweating was never the coolest plan
So now I'm elated that I've invested in a 4-Speed fan

from Warren Pilkington of Manchester, England:
My life was made complete by holder for kitchen roll
Which means that my life anymore isn't do droll
If I need to mop up any spills and kitchen mess
The roll is available on the holder, I digress!

from Rob F of Derby, England:
Professional, Competent Rocking and Tight
Mark; you sing so low
Perhaps you would struggle a little less
With a judicially placed CAPO?