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Songs: That Guy

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I heard a young woman say she liked the X-Men
Oh yes, I said, the films I assume?
It turns out she loved the Chris Claremont and John Byrne run
But her favourite character these days is Doop
Suddenly I saw myself standing in the rain
Masturbating in a skip

And I don't want to be that guy
I don't want to be that guy
I don't want to be that guy
I don't want to be him

I went for a curry with people I worked with
I asked for a Balti and rice
They said they were sorry, they didn't do Balti
"Its South Indian cuisine - try a dosa, they're nice"
Suddenly I saw myself watching Top Gear
Eating English Breakfast from a can

And I don't want to be that guy
I don't want to be that guy
I don't want to be that guy
I don't want to be him

When I talk to younger people I think of when
I was in my 20s and knew some middle-aged men
Leather jackets, pony-tails, at the back at gigs
They swim through my conscience like Kraken

Exams - if anything they're probably more difficult
Politicians - I doubt they're really all the same
Pop Music - it changes with every generation
If people my age like it is has failed

Suddenly I saw myself on BBC4
Comparing One Direction to Chaucer

And I don't want to be that guy
I don't want to be that guy
I don't want to be that guy
I don't want to be him
But I am

Published by Wipe Out Music Publishing

I am very aware of the danger of turning into That Guy - you know the one I mean, the self-satisfied comics fan who doesn't think women "really" like comics (they're just there for the glamour, apparently) or the bulbous sod who thinks all Indian food is the same or... well you get the idea. It's something I struggle with often!

I'm also very used to being the oldest person at gigs, especially when I play student places, and at these times the spectre of the song 'Dirty Old Man' by The Council (about someone over 30 going to gigs - imagine!) comes back to haunt me, with its denunciation of pony-tailed old rockers sneering at our gigs.

It worries me. A lot! And so I wrote this song. It took us ages to learn as it is basically Prog Rock - there's an instrumental break, a verse, a bridge, a chorus, a different break, a middle section and then a proper ending. Decadence!

It also features a contentious lyric, in the final line of the first verse. Originally this said "All alone, wanking in a bush" but Emma demanded I change it, so after some consultation Mrs J Machine suggested "Masturbating in a skip" instead. I thanked her for the idea but said I had to write a new lyric first. (HUMOUR)

When I play the song at solo gigs that line always gets a good laugh, which is jolly good, but I'm most pleased when the line towards the end about comparing One Direction to Chaucer gets a laugh too. I like that line, it also took me ages to think of!

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