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Songs: The Battle Of Peterborough

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The Dinosaurs marched down the A47
The quickest route straight through the fen
They destroyed Dereham, stamped on Swaffham
Killed Kings Lynn, laid waste Long Sutton
Wiped out Wisbech and then
Saw that the Army had chosen Peterborough
As the place where they would stand, fight and resist
It's got excellent rail and bus links
Ample parking and an ice rink
But if it gets destroyed it won't be missed

The scene was set for the Battle Of Peterborough
The first time man and dinosaur would meet in war
But when fighting Tyrannosaurus Nuclear
Stegosaurus with bazooka
The best we could have hoped for was a draw

Along Bourges Boulevard they marched to battle
The first skirmishes took place next to Queensgate
Missiles flew and not much later
It was nothing but a crater
A million pounds of improvements had been made
The Army then retreated back to Stanground
As Velociraptors wrecked the outdoor pool
Triceratops tore down the market
Turned The Park into a toilet
Then Ferry Meadows fell to Sauron rule

Things weren't looking good in the Battle Of Peterborough
As Bretton, Fletton, March and Yaxley were smashed down
Market Deeping was demolished
Orton Longueville was abolished
Then they moved on to The East Of England Showground

The Army made their last stand in the car park
Where they stood heroic, glorious and strong
But the overwhelming forces
Of the armoured Allosauruses
Meant the Battle of Peterborough did not last long
And for the first time in about thirty years
Peterborough managed to get on the news
The newsreader looked sad and said
"A lot of people are now dead
But on the bright side, Cambridgeshire's been improved
And it's awful that we've lost a nice Cathedral
And on the East Coast mainline there will be delays
But apart from all of that it isn't all that bad
Hey, maybe they'll march on to Milton Keynes"

And so ended the Battle Of Peterborough
As the nation tried to look as if it cared
But the blackened smoking hole
And the terrible death toll
Was the first exciting thing to ever happen there


Published by Wipe Out Music Publishing

I had to get the A-Z Road Map out to get all the place names in the first verse of this song, but all the other places sprang to mind as a stroll through my childhood. I've never played it in Peterborough (yet), but did once play it at a family do. My mum was resolutely unimpressed!


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