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And then... then it was BLOODY GRATE! I couldn't BELIEVE it! There was ACTION! and FITES! and EXCITEMENT! and even - OH MY WORD - a few JOKES! As with before, YODA has the best lines EVER and the best FITES, but Ewan McGregor ALSO appears to have woken up for this one and started BEING GOOD. I would say that I Won't Tell You What Happens, but here's the thing: you KNOW what happens! And it ACTUALLY DOES! Whereas before it's been a utterly crappy mis-mash of half-arsed bollocks about midi-chlorians, Jedi "Philosophy" that's so stupid it makes you want to join THE SITH, and boring BORING boring rubbish about Trade Disputes, THIS one actually features ALL THE THINGS you HOPED it would. CLONE wars! Darth Vader! The destruction of the JEDI (which was - OH MY - Actually Quite Moving)! Loads of FITES! Wookies! Grand Moth Tarkin briefly! Almost NO Jar Jar Binks! A FITE on a VOLCANO!
For me, the BEST bit was the last ten minutes or so, when there is one MIGHTY FLOURISH of Tying Up Loose Ends. At two hours into the film i thought "Wow, this is actually BRILLIANT - but how on earth is he going to sort everything out in time? What about Yoda leaving the planet? What about the twins? What about C3-PO not remembering anything? What about that whole Jedi Dissolving Trick? Eh? What about all THAT?" and then SUDDENLY George Lucas goes "AHA! Watch me GO! I'll even chuck in CAPTAIN ANTILLES to shut everyone up!"
FANTASTIC! It doesn't quite make up for how innard clenchingly DULL "Phantom Menace" was, but it CERTAINLY excuses "Attack Of The Clone"'s waste of space, and - good golly - it makes me want to see it AGANE! AND to buy the "Clone Wars" DVD! HOORAY!
Truly, it is a GOOD TIME for the rectifying of Childhood Disappointents - INDEED i fully expect Peterborough United to be in The FA Cup Final this afternoon, such is the WAVE of Everything's Turning Out All Right that COURSES through my body.
I have only two questions - firstly, will Christopher Lee EVER appear in the third film of a trilogy again? Or has he learnt his lesson? And secondly - what IS it with George Lucas and HANDS? Was his family murdered by a HAND? Was he bullied at school by a malevolent GLOVE? In ALL the Star Wars films he's busily HACKING OFF hands, and in this one there's hardly anyone left with both INTACT. It is a Bit Rum. Oh, and also - the Jedi really are a bit RUBBISH aren't they? FOr heaven's sake - when they were ALL gathered at the end of the first film none of them noticed THE DARK LORD OF THE SITH stood next to them, and in this one it takes Obi Wan NINE MONTHS to realise that a) Amidala is pregnant and b) hang on, maybe Anakin is the Daddy? What an intergalictic bunch of pyjama wearing show offs!
ANYWAY, in summary: it is better than any of us DARED TO EVEN DREAM! REJOICE!
posted 21/5/2005 by MJ Hibbett
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